Justin Timberlake and Timbaland

This Carryout Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth

I'll have you open all night like an IHOP

Baby must taste heavenly, I'm pretty sure that you got your own recipe

Take my order cause your body like a carryout
TimbalandCarry Out (feat. Justin Timberlake)

This song is fraught with cheesy wordplay—which is why I actually like it—but some of them are just flat out ludicrous. Yet we must not get ahead of ourselves; we must remember that this song is about some comparison between making love to this woman and carryout food. Timbaland and Mr. Timberlake gives us a number of gems here, some rather filthy such as the IHOP line and others confusing such as the recipe line. Then there’s the issue of rhyming “errors” with “areas,” which sounds so forced in the song. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t understand half the metaphors, i.e. “Can you take my order?”, but again, it’s silly and catchy so whatever. I like it.

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James Brown - Sex Machine

I Feel Bad for James Brown

Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
James BrownI Got You (I Feel Good)

“Sugar and spice” was used for one reason and it wasn’t because it made sense—it didn’t. It wasn’t used because it’s clever, original, or alluding—it’s not. It was used because it rhymes. There is nothing about sugar and spice that relates to feelings. I truly don’t understand what that even means. Is it that sugar and spice are both nice things? Or that when combined they’re nice? This is quite the famous song and for the longest time I haven’t figured out why. It’s repetitive and based on a worthless lyric. I think “sushi and rice,” “Miami and vice,” or even “quantity and price” would’ve worked just as well.

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Demi lovato

Demi Lovato Continues to Break my Heart

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
Demi LovatoGive Your Heart a Break

Ms. Lovato, this guy is definitely playing you. No guy, let alone anyone in the world, has gone so deep in their first meeting with someone. How the hell did the conversation even get to talking about love? This isn’t even the first date, this is the first meeting. You are rushing things way too fast and it’s only going to lead to heart break which I’m pretty sure is against your message here. The chorus is such a feeble attempt at a cute play on words. What does “give your heart a break” really mean? Not having any worries or doubts? Yeah that’s sounds believable coming from a hysterical 20-year old girl.

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Chris Brown

Chris Brown Turns Up the Music, Lets Down Fans

Turn up the music (just turn it up louder)
Turn up the music (I need it in my life, yeah)
Chris BrownTurn Up the Music

Doing a song about being in the club and loving the music and women has been done once or twice before. Heck, I might even go to three or four times. In this case, Mr. Brown sings about the music. There’s really nothing to say. He says “Turn up the music” and “Turn it up” so many times that I have to wonder if he’s deaf. It’s a cliché premise with a nice beat, but it’s just void of anything resembling an original thought.

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Demi Lovato on Soundcheck

Demi Lovato is a Tall Building, How Cool is That Kids?

Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Demi LovatoSkyscraper

The only skyscrapers Ms. Lovato should compare herself to are the Twin Towers. The whole song is about how tough she is and that nothing can truly bring her down. This is coming from a girl who had serious struggles with bulimia and cutting, so the comparisons to a strong intimidating structure don’t seem apt. More importantly though, why the hell would you make a song about skyscrapers? Was that the best metaphor they could come up with? A stationary building.  I think if my name was attached to a song like this I might just cut myself too.

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The Last Stop Concert 010

Fabolous, Make Me Better Music

You plus me, it equal better math
Your boy a good look, but she my better half
I'm already bossin, already flossin
But why have the cake if it ain't got that sweet frostin
FabolousMake Me Better (feat. Ne-Yo)

There is absolutely no way Fabolous believes anything in this song. He named himself Fabolous, now he’s going to tell us his woman is his better half, and it even equals “better math”; Apparently I didn’t reach that level of algebra(?) despite going to college for mathematics. The chorus especially draws some concern, as I’m not entirely sure a force is > a movement. Personally I think a movement sounds like the greater power. Fabolous uses most of the song talking about how amazing he is by himself, with a slight concession each time she this woman is what takes him to the next amazing level. It’s not believable in the least.

Note: Fabolous explained that he wanted a girl who “when you’re walking around with your tie crooked, she fixes your tie” [Wikipedia]. In not one of the hundreds of Google images I searched through is he wearing a tie.

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Part of Me - Katy Perry

Katy Perry Sets Off Explosive Comparison

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Katy PerryFirework

This was tough on me because I genuinely believe this is one of Ms. Perry’s best songs, but the opening line is just silly. Personally, I can’t say I’ve ever felt like a plastic bag. And not coincidentally, nobody has. Plastic bags don’t ever think about starting over. They don’t think at all actually. Come to think of it, I don’t drift through the wind either. It’s just one bad metaphor in a pretty good song. The Fourth of July line doesn’t really make sense, but it’s close enough to not lose too much sleep over. That bag line though—oof.

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James Blunt - São Paulo

James Blunt, You’re Pitiful

She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
James BluntYou're Beautiful

Most of you probably thought this was a love song. Some of you probably even thought it was a good song. Well, everybody’s wrong. How about that. In the beginning Mr. Blunt sings that he sees this beautiful woman on the subway that is unfortunately taken—BUT ALAS he has a plan, so we’re still good. Then suddenly for no stated reason he gives up and the rest of the song is about never being with her. Did he just abandon the plan? He was so confident before, and then whoops, nope, not happening. It’s well sung and all but it’s not really a love song. It’s a song about giving up. That’s lame.

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